WILL YOU SLIDE BACK IF YOU DON'T KEEP PUSHING YOURSELF?

1. Changing your self-talk can help you to gradually replace the old, inherited attitudes with more authentic ones.
2. It will help to remember at all times that you are intrinsically valuable and unique, no matter what your conditioned self-talk might have been telling you all along.
3. As you begin to feel less "driven", you will learn to relax internally, to accept your failings gracefully, and to find your own voice.
4. When your internal self-talk shifts to respect for your intrinsic self, then you will tend to extend the same courtsey to others, and appreciate that we need to respect the intrinsic self of even our children, and temper our urge to control them and decide for them.
5. When we direct our attention at our inner self, by setting tasks for ourselves after introspection and detached observation, we are already taking the first positive step out of lethargy and towards change, because these tasks lead to learning in terms of stretching ourselves, testing our competence and honesty, and putting our resilience to test, and our focussed mind then throws up new insights which can change the way we look at the world.
6. Introspection is not withdrawal from the real world, instead it is true involvement with life, and self-awareness can make a more real contribution to our personal growth than all the mindless rush of our daily routine.
7. It is a positive investment in one's self-image and well-being, and a person with a positive self-image is an asset not only to himself but to the world around him, and this will save us from any lethargy and inertia creeping into our internal voices.

DO YOU TEND TO BLAME OTHERS FOR PROVOKING YOU ?

1. During childhood, when curiosity, initiative and enthusiasm are checked drastically by disciplinarian mentors, there is a strong danger of the victims surrendering their internal control mechanism to the external environment, and such people can block change in their lives by adopting this victim posture in their behaviour, which can quite often border on paranoia.
2. When you realize that the attitude of surrender to external forces, which your self-talk forces on you, is not your own but has been thrust on you by circumstances, then it is possible to adopt new mental messages.
3. You will then constantly remind yourself that it is the meaning you put on the behaviour or utterances of other people which makes you angry, not the provocation itself.
4. You will also alert yourself to the fact that no one can make you angry against your own will, and you will take back your power to control your life and will now assume responsibility for your own well-being, instead of surrendering this control to the environment.
5. Recalling a few concrete past incidents can help you to understand the nature of your self-talk better, by re-examining your self-talk, stated and unstated responses in situations when you did not feel very confident about yourself, or when you were praised, or when you were criticized.
6. Your new self-talk can start off with a strong sense of self-affirmation and self-worth, by deciding to give priority to being authentic and self-directed, instead of being dependent on others for your well-being.
7. If your self-talk tends to be negative, stop and assure yourself that your well-being lies in dropping the self-destructive guilt and blame which you have inherited from your social conditioning, and remind yourself that your happiness lies in being affimative about yourself and not in being pushed around by your negative self-talk.
8. Assert your right to make your own choices as a free individual, tell yourself what you are going to do by visualising yourself as a positively charged person, feel good about yourself in your new avatar and let that new talk and positive image sink into your subconscious.

DO YOU PUSH YOURSELF TO CONFORM TO STEREOTYPES ?

1. Traditional stereotypes get deeply ingrained in young minds and are then perpetuated through internal self-talk, especially when expectations of social approval get so deeply conditioned in some of us that we feel a neurotic urge to conform to stereotypes in order to get that approval.
2. We can seek to counter-balance such conditioned attitudes by reminding ourselves that we don't need to become dependent on the approval of others all the time, because when you look at it rationally, it is too much to expect that one should be liked and approved of every minute.
3. Therefore, it is good to remin yourself that you do not have to be a strong male or a caring female just because that is the stereotype expected of you, and the moment you decide to let go of such expectations, you will drop that internal pressure to seek approval and feel good just being true to yourself.
4. You have a right to live your life your way, so long as you don't violate the right of others to do their own thing.
5. When you uphold your right to your individuality, you will find it easier to respect that of others and thus arrive at a mature balance between the need for affinity and the yearning for individuality.

DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO PLEASE OTHERS AND OBLIGE THEM ?

1. All around us we find do-gooders whose desire to please all results in their being used by others, because self-talk of these do-gooders makes them feel guilty if they don't sacrifice themselves in order to be good to others, whereas it leaves them with a feeling of bitterness when their goodness is not acknowledged or when others make use of them.
2. Interestingly, self-talk can reinforce such self-negating behaviour when they are accompanied by innane compliments from others, and it is important to see through them as it will make us aware that an attitude of pleasing others or being good to them is unhealthy if we do it at the expense of our happiness.
3. As an unhappy person cannot reasonably dispense happiness to others, you could then change your self-talk to tell yourself that you need to consider your own needs as much as the pther person's, that when you decide to please someone else, you'll do it not at the expense of your needs and feelings, but by keeping the needs of both in mind.
4. It is important to remember that one's own feelings are as important as those of other people, and that we cannot find happiness by denying our feelings.
5. Do-gooders can make a beginning by politely refusing to do things which they don't enjoy doing, but which they normally end up accepting in order to keep up their image as do-gooders.

DO YOU KEEP PUSHING YOURSELF TO DO BETTER ALWAYS ?

1. Some people set very high standards for themselves and allow no room for mistakes or slip-ups, and come down mercilessly on themselves when they don't come up to the mark.
2. Parents sometimes have adult expectations and perfect behaviour from their children, and people who have been brought up this way can generate a lot of internal misery by telling themselves that they have goofed up yet again, even when their mistake has been minor and they have done a fairly good job overall.
3. Start giving yourself credit for the 80% achievement instead of focussing only on the 20% shortfall, and don't let your conditioned sense of guilt deny the opportunity for success.
4. Focus on learning from mistakes and on action directed towards getting results, thus allowing your self-talk to acknowledge your essential humanity and your right to mistakes.
5. When the mistake is such that you can't do anything about it, just let go of the regret and the anger, while filing away a lesson to be careful in future.
6. The deisre for perfection is a good thing when it involves looking ahead in hope and not looking back in anger.
7. What is really harmful is when we use generalized condemnation words like "stupid", "silly" and "dumb" for ourselves or for others, when the purpose is merely to point out a mistake, becaues these labels are not realistic and reflect a harsh, critical approach which we have internalized from early influences in life.
8. We need to accept the troughs in life as gracefully as the crests, by reassuring ourselves that we don't have to operate at peak efficiency all the time, and that we are doing something because we want to rather than because we are being pushed into it.
9. Nobody is perfect and the pressure of conditioning can be self-defeating, because the restlessness and stress that it engenders is not conducive to high performance.

ARE YOU UNDER INTERNAL PERFORMANCE PRESSURE ?

1. Do you feel under constant internal pressure to keep busy or to be seen to be doing something all the time?
- A lot of people feel pushed by their self-talk to keep busy, because they feel insecure if they are not seen to be busy.
- This habitual sense of hurry leaves them with no time for themselves or for the family, with all their thoughts being on getting back to work, leading their internal talk to pile up pressure and stttress all the time.
- The realization that such tearing hurry is controlling your life, adding to your stress rather than to your effectiveness, can be an aid in changing your attitudes and your self-talk, and will enable you to give yourself more room.

DON'T CONFUSE INTROSPECTION WITH FAULT-FINDING

1. When introspection reveals shortcomings, there could be an impulse to feel guilty.
2. Guilt, as an expression of concern for others or as a perception of shortcoming or awareness of a deviation from values, can propel us to positive action and help us to adapt and change.
3. But guilt can be counterproductive, when it makes us look back in anger at ourselves or when it gets to be an obsession with blaming oneself and others.
4. We need to be circumspect about guilt which degenerates into self-condemnation and an expression of one's worthlessness.
5. A common propensity is to look back in anger at the role which parents, society and religion sometimes play in one's conditioning, particularly when it is perceived as being responsible for some of the problems in our lives.
6. If we step aside and recognize that the act of blaming is yet another conditioned response which ties us down to the past, then we could find liberation in owning responsibility for ourselves on an as-is-where-is basis.
7. We could then take recourse to the healthier option of forgiveness and love which liberate us from hatred, and helps us to remember that we owe a debt to our parents and society for the gift of life and nurturance.
8. Above all, we are responsible for choices born out of our new-found awareness and for our happiness in the future, hence when guilt about a past that cannot be undone weighs us down, it is best to let go of both the guilt and the past, and look to this moment in graceful acceptance of the opportunity that life offers.
9. Introspection should also not be mistaken for negative self-doubt, as this tends to challenge the very basis of one's positive self-image leading to negative thinking.
10. Introspection is a positive self-help measure as it addresses shortcomings with understanding and compassion, rather than destructive guilt and self-criticism, as the idea is to support and not disparage oneself.
11. Your self-image is the most valuable treasure you possess, and introspection should be directed towards reinforcing one's positive self-image, instead of fault-finding and self-recrimination which are counter-productive.
12. Introspection is a gradual process of indivdual maturity to become more human, more positive and more aware, with a feeling of ease and peace pervading your personality, making you less irritable, less argumentative, less judgemental, less condemnatory and less defensive. 

GRACEFUL SELF-ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY TO KNOW YOURSELF

1. Self-awareness is a gradual and incremental process that calls for patience and determination not to give up.
2. This attitude will help you to come to terms with your essential humanity - your vulnerability as well as your zest for life.
3. It will give you that sense of humble and graceful acceptance of life which is the first step to change and to opening up new vistas in your life.
4. Self-awareness helps you to come to terms with yourself and to begin where you are at the present moment.
5. You notice biases, prejudices and perspectives which have become ingrained in you almost unconsciously, and instead of feeling inferior or superior, you learn to accept yourself gracefully as you are, neither picking on yourself nor do you offer excuses and alibis for your shortcomings.
6. By accepting our essential humanity and by owning up responsibility for ourselves, we provide a sound base for building a healthy self-image and an internalized set of valueswhich are the cornerstone of integrity.
7. When we are wide awake to our talent, our temperament and our potential, it is difficult to settle for mediocrity and awaken to the possibilities of personal growth, and this motivates us to set our sights higher and to put in the effort required for achievement.
8. Introspection alerts us to the trap of comparing ourselves with others and feeling unhappy, as we are in a much better frame of mind to count our blessings and build on them by coming to terms with ourselves.
9. Calm acceptance of reality, however fearsome, helps us to address problems with composure and set things right through a conscious commitment to change.
10. As we develop an inner understanding, we are less and less dependent on external factors like praise or recognition or acknowledgement from others, and humbly accept responsibility for a job well done as much as for a mistake, which we don't blame on the environment around us.
11. We have our own anchor in our inner journey of self-discovery, which gives us the humility to ask others for their views and perceptions about us, as an input in our self-evaluation and future plans.
12. When we pay attention to ourselves, we realize that others are like us too - imbued with goodness, initiative, independence, freedom of choice, etc. - which brings home the realization that relating is possible through empathy, synergy and shared goals, and we learn to see each other as an opportunity for learning, togetherness and synergy through mutual understanding.
13. When action follows awareness, the process of change gets reinforced, and then practice helps us to establish mastery over our responses in various situations.